phidget's Blog

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and energized... I no longer want to murder my boyfriend... whatever was stuck up his butt the last 2 days has been evacuated... soooo... back to me... I swear his moods affect me more than anything else... if he's in a shitty mood then it puts me in a shitty mood... and when he is in a shitty mood for no frickin' reason - argh - that REALLY gets me frazzled... but he was in a good mood when we went to bed last night and he woke up in a positive and confident spirit today...

I swear I carry the weight of those I love waaaaayyyy too much... it's going to kill me one of these days...

I drove 2 hours to take a 2 hour test only to drive 2 hours back... and I don't even think I did good on the test... argh!  6 hours of my Saturday was shot...

AND on top of that my house looks like crap... it needs a serious cleaning... everyone in my house has gotten lazy or apathetic... so the house looks like shit... argh!

AND... I don't know... everything is irritating me today... everything... its a short work week but the thought that I'm sitting here at work when my house looks like pure ass is irritating me... argh!!!

This has no real purpose other than for me to argh!  Just bitching b/c it's my blog and I can...

I regretfully must announce that I have lost an EP friend due to my neutrality... and though I am saddened at the loss of someone I had barely gotten to know and had hoped to get to know better... I must stand my ground on my stance of neutrality.  I do not choose sides... I stand up for statements made by others that I believe to be along the same line of thought of how I feel.  I do not pick one person over another... I won't automatically choose a friend over someone who I don't know at all... I am a fair and open-minded person and believe that I have remained so on this site as I do in person.  An argument (or whatever one may call it) on here that is none of my business will remain just that... I don't feel the need to validate anyone regardless of their relationship with me... if I stand behind their statement then I may make a comment on such but I will not attack someone just because they attacked a friend of mine... I know that this concept is foreign to some as they like to instigate and propagate drama but I am a drama free person and will continue to live my life as so.  

I do not mean to offend or hurt anyone... I do not mean to turn anyone against me or others... I do not expect anyone to agree with me nor do I think that I should be expected to agree with anyone as well... we are all individuals and free in our thoughts and feelings... I can only be me... and those who erase me as a friend because of a conflict between them and someone on my friends list is only losing the opportunity at getting to know someone they may have a lot more in common than they thought.

I wish everyone (my EP friends and those I do not know) all the best and hope that they find what they are looking for... but I must also say that you never know who would have known if you don't take that chance...

Every day I fight against the dark... I search for the light within me... my happiness... I am happy, don't get me wrong... I just have demons that like to diminish that light every chance they get... for now the fog has lifted and I feel serene... at peace again... I carry the weight of those I care about on my shoulders... when they have unrest, so do I... I guess that's the nature of a water sign... we ebb and flow... we bend to what is around us...  for now I am a calm pool glinting in the sunlight...

I'm back to me...

For those that actually follow my stories and have seen my comments and have read my blogs, you may find me a bit of a conundrum... I am a bit confusing to say the least... but people that are one dimensional rarely have very much to say so I'm glad to be a cube rather than a square... HAHAHA...

My moods fluctuate... and I have had a bit of a demonic past (we all have our stories)... but this is where I am now...

I am happy for the most part... mainly happy with who I am, what I have accomplished and where I am in my life... I have many things to be thankful for and I am truly thankful... my outlook is hopeful though I am a bit of a pessimist at heart... I think I am more of a realist... I know that life is not perfect and I know that things won't always be good... but I accept things as they are... life is... what it is...  some days my "demons" peek out and I fall into a "cycle" (as the doc calls it) but I'm progressing more and more every day... happiness lies within me... and although I still have a way to go on this journey I have found that inner happiness... I still get depressed but that is my disease not who I am... I still have my anger problem... again, my affliction not my definition...

The thing that I have come to learn more and more (IRL and on EP) is many define who they are by their affliction... I am not depressed... I have depression... I am not a demon, I just can't control my rage (not yet at least)... on a day to day basis I AM calm, laid back, goofy, silly, loving, giving, forgiving... I am all that is good about me... not the bad...

I have read many stories today that made me start thinking about this... so many people admitting defeat to their afflictions, diseases and worries... we all came here for one reason or another but in the end we all stay because we have found those who know what we are going through... I've seen a few people on here who stay in the shadows and never say a word... I've seen those who can't help make groups and share a story (I love ya Quirks)... but I have also seen those who have given up on themselves and decided to let their affliction win...

I am NOT my diagnosis... I am NOT what people say I am... I AM ME... all that is wrong all that is right and everything in between... I like the in between... the place where we are all just people without our "problems"...

**Correction... Andy Rooney did not say this but God f***ing Bless who ever said this... exercise your freedom of speech people... who cares who said it I think it is spot on on some things... and close enough on the others... so says me... and that my dears is my right!!! ~ Phidget



I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.



Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.



I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?



I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.



I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.



When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.



I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!



My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.



I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freez e' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines.



I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.



We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.



I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor



I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.



I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.



It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does ta ke a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!'



I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!



I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else



And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

 

The brain is still on strike although it did fire a little when I gave it beer... hahaha...

I think between work, school, and home I am having a breakdown... HAH!!!  I laugh about it because what else can I do???  I was told today that I HAVE to go to anger management again... I swear this is a never-ending story in my life... they're just going to piss me off... but I'll go... just to please the "med gods"... HAHAHA... she said (the "med god") that she feels it will help with my progress... phooey I say... but alas I have no choice... one of these days Alice - pow - right in the kisser... HAH!!!  That would be an angry statement wouldn't it??? Damn it!!! 

Anyway... brain is lost... well it is on strike to say the least... and I am "angry" apparently... so off to classes once again... bleh...

I am feeling troubled... overwhelmed... confused... restless... pensive... I don't know... 

Too much going on right now... my brain is revolting and it may just shut down on me... that probably wouldn't be good huh??? Argh!!!

**Update: My brain is done... it has gone on strike... dont know when the strike will be over... damn...

**UPDATE AGAIN:  Brain on strike still... BUT apparently its not just mine... seems everyones brain is on strike... that's good isn't it?  Well not or us but overall... HAH!!!  I am feeling very "Angry" right now... they tell you to say this in anger management... stupid advice... but I am feeling very angry right now... very overwhelmed and frustrated... I'd like be able to focus but alas the brain has quit and I am a clusterfuck... GREEEAAAATTTTT!!!

This is beginning to be the neverending blog... hahaha...

UPDATE uno mas... ok... the brain came on a little... but I think that was because despite my diet I promised it beer... so I got a 6 pk and lo and behold my brain actually fired for me... oh the thoughts it threw out... but it is back in its "rested" state and is requesting beer... cerveza mas fina!!!!

Kind of blah today (obviously)... not sure why... not sad or mad or happy or anything really... kind of just breathing... contemplative I guess... thinking more than I should and just reflecting... so just ignore me today if I seem out of sorts...

I come on here because it is normally a very pleasant experience and I have been able to talk to people who have gone through the same things as I... I've made some really good friends... and I have helped others...

BUT... here's what I don't like... I don't like drama... I know everyone wants a voice and they want to say what they want to say... this is an open forum and everyone is given the opportunity to voice their opinion...  and when someone says something that you don't agree with, that's awesome that you want to voice your opinion to them... but why argue... throwing stones across the street at someone isn't productive... here's what's productive (in my opinion) ignore them... don't fuel their flame... don't let them bother you...  write your own take on their post... but don't argue your point to deaf ears... the person may have written  the post to get attention in the first place... if their post if made in a matter of fact way then you know no matter what you say is going to make a difference... you can't change someones mind but what you can do is post your own story contradictory to theirs... oppose them in a non-confrontational way... let them say what they want to say and you do the same...

I just hate seeing someone getting everyone riled up and they are so close-minded that they don't want to hear anyone's opinion but everyone wants to shout at the top of their lungs what they think of this person... obviosuly this person isn't listening and it makes you look like the devil... don't let them make you look like anything you aren't... some people are  good at poking until you lose your shit... they love it... they like seeing you like that... so say fuck it and move on... they aren't important in the grand scheme of things and they don't matter in the real world... let them be the one in a billion with a miniscule voice and no action... but don't let them mar your reputation or make you seem less than you are...

Igorance is ignorance... you can't beat it... all you can do is help not to spread it!

That's just me thinking out loud...

Well my summer classes start today... which means that I will have to focus more of my time on those than playing on the computer... although I say this you know it probably won't happen... I will still get on here... but probably not as frequently... which is sad...

Don't miss me too much... I will periodically check in and make sure everyone is staying out of trouble (QUIRKY!!!!)...

And if anyone here is good at Chemistry or Spanish, I sure could use help... HAHAHA!!!  I'm kidding I'm kidding... not really so PM me!!! HAH!

Just some stuff I'ver written in the last 6 months... some of it's pretty good (at least I think so) and some of it... well... it's not my best work.... HAHAHA

Today... and everyday...

The sun shone brighter today..

don't ask me why, it just did...

My smile was bigger today...

don't ask me why, it just is...

My heart feels lighter today...

don't ask me why, it just does...

My life seems better today...

don't ask me why, because...

everything around me and about me

just seems better than the day before...

and every day it feels this way

because every day I love you more...

So don't ask me why... I just told you

that you are the reason for all of this...

And every day upon every day

is the best day there is...

CYNICISM

I don't hide my eyes behind rose colored glassses...

My world is drawn in shades of gray...

everyone needs to be a little cynical...

everyone needs to be a little insane...

they say hope is for the hopeful

what of those who have lost all faith

do we get nothing in return

can we not have the same?

my glass was never half full...

hell I don't think it was ever there...

so a naive belief in nothing and everything ...

leaves me feeling as if it nothing can compare...

to what I believe and what I see...

but is it just me... am I alone in my reality

or has my dreams wandered beyond my mind

and consumed those around me completely...  

you can't expect the world to fall neatly in line...

you can't expect everything to be painted in rainbow hues...

all you can do is keep on breathing ...

and if you're lucky - continue to be you...

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

I’m afraid to sleep at night

memories of you fill my mind

you are not the man I know

and I know its best to just let go

but your face lingers within my dreams

your scent on the pillow next to me

I hear your voice within my tears

I can feel your presence it fills me with fear

fear of losing of moving on

but all I need is for you to be gone

gone from my memories, gone from my life

but you continue to haunt my every night

so I’m afraid to close my eyes and dream

because I know you’ll be there - waiting for me...

 

ALONE ON THE ROAD

I’m alone on the road

letting the landscape pass me by

I drive faster and faster

trying to leave you behind

further and further

the distance grows

but I still feel you behind me

you are still way too close

I keep on driving

trying to escape

but you’re still  there

I can see your face

I’m alone on the road

letting the landscape pass me by

trying harder and harder

to get you out of my mind

Demons Inside...

all of my demons hide inside...

they lurk within diminishing the light...

taking my air and strangling my heart...

the weight is heavy they are tearing me apart...

but on the outside is a smile, more of a smirk....

hiding the pain - hiding the hurt...

no one knows the real me...

only the one they want to see...

no one can see the void, but its there...

the emptiness is more than I can bear...

to let go and just be gone would be best...

but the thought of those left behind leaves me with unrest...

so I continue on with my demons inside...

and hope that I can keep fighting the fight...

Just a Moment

Just a moment to hide my eyes…

Just a moment to ignore the lies…

Just a moment to forget my pain…

Just a moment to erase your name…

Just a moment to not fall back…

Just a moment to finally relax…

Just a moment to disappear…

I just need a moment here…

Fucking Insane...

nothing is the same... its all changed...

everything is so surreal...

dreams and promises ~ do they still exist...

forgiveness hides its eyes from the light...

reaching, grasping at thin air...

the sound of your breath fills me...

sadness and anger engulf me...

but here I am before you...

holding my heart in my hands...

begging, pleading "don't hurt me"...

my heart wants to believe...

my head can only say ~ "I must be fucking insane..."

Haunting Me

the past is haunting me, taunting me...

wanting me to believe...

to see the  unseen...

I close my eyes tightly...

but memories haunt me nightly...

and I can't breathe...

YOUR past is haunting me, taunting me,

wanting me to believe... all  that I've already seen...

No Turning Back

looking back... falling forward...

standing still but always moving...

in the distance it all seems the same...

nothings changed but everythings different...

holding on to nothing... hoping for something...

dreams will be dreams...but reality prevails...

and in an instant my senses fail...

and I fall back into the black...

no turning back now... no, no turning back...

Drowning

constantly defending

always mending

bridges you burnt along the way

the more I do

the more you destroy

I give more than I could ever take

I feel like I'm fighting

a losing battle

but you don't see my scars

I try to reach for you

but you push me away

the distance has grown too far

bending and breaking

all for the sake

of saving your soul

but I'm losing my own

I've grown weary - weakened

I feel so defeated

my defenses depleted

from fighting wars you created

finding you smiling

as I drown in my tears

and nothing has even touched  you

I'm in a bit of a contemplative mood right now... nothing happened to me... no major news to report... sat and had a nice meal with my family and just got finished cleaning up... but for some reason as I was cleaning I began to think... and for me that's never a good thing... if you haven't read my last blog sometimes my mind goes faster than I can comprehend and I create realities that don't exist...

So as I swept the floor my demeanor calm and collected as usual my mind began to darken... my chest got heavy... I felt like I was spiraling inside... I can't explain why it happens it just does... it's almost like my mind does a flashback or something and creates in my head these thoughts and ideas that are irrational and chaotic... yes, I took my meds today... hush about those!  Haven't even had a drink today... surprise surprise... aren't you proud of me Quirky... ANYWAY... so I'm having an anxiety attack as I sweep the kitchen floor... and though I don't have OCD I became obsessed with a spot on the floor that kept staring at me... I got down to look at it closer and decided to scrub it... so I get the comet and scrubber and I'm on my hands and knees (keep in mind I LOATHE cleaning)... and I hear "what the hell are you doing?"... it's my boyfriend on the couch... seems I was too quiet in the kitchen... I told him I was scrubbing the floor... a quiet pause from him means he is concerned... and a muffled sigh is all I hear...  this action alone stopped the racing in my mind... everything stopped going in hyperspeed and my chest rose in a sigh of calm... I left the spot there... and I walked away...

Forgive me if I act a little strange... for I know not what I do...

Sometimes when you're dancing with the devil in the pale moons light... you have to take the lead!

Yesterday I was down... as the day went on my mood lifted because of the great people on here that sent words of support but overall I still felt pretty shitty... sometimes I get in these moods that I can't help... SOOOOO, what don't my EP friends know about Phidget??? Well quite a bit actually... so here is one of my confessions...

I don't battle depression... I live with it... there is a difference... I don't fight it... I've been depressed for ummm... probably 12 years... I know it's there and it knows I'm there... we live harmoniously, well not all the time... I take Paxil to control it but that is something that I only recently have started doing (within the last 6 months)... I missed a couple days of my meds because well I have felt really good and I really DO NOT like being on meds to tell you the truth... I also have anxiety... I don't think it's that bad - not as bad as one of my friends or my sisters... I mean my anxiety is strange... I am calm on the outside but on the inside I start to FREAK OUT... I mean my chest feels very heavy and I feel like I'm drowning... my mind races way too fast for me to think clearly... I begin to "create realities" that I know are not true...  people don't know that it's happening b/c I have lived with this for so long untreated that I have learned to control my outside demeanor during bouts of serious anxiety...

So the happy jocular carefree person you see on a normal basis IS me... but some days I'm not that person at all... and its random and I can't stop it...so you will have to excuse me some days...  I'm not crazy... just not stable... hahaha...

Today is much better... my boyfriend and I sat in his truck for 2 hours and just talked and he is probably one of the most loving and supportive men ever... he knows just what to say to remind me that I'm ok... and that I have nothing to worry about... that he will take care of me and the boys and that our life together will be wonderful... he cooked dinner last night too... and bought me a big ol' tub of ice cream to cheer me up... hahaha... that's love...

I'm thankful for him... and all of my friends... on EP and IRL...

**oops forgot to mention that along with my anxiety I have been told  that I may have Paranoid Personality Disorder (which I think is a crock of shit disorder but that's what I was told)...

I'm feeling better since the last blog I wrote... thanks to Quirky (**hugs**)... she diagnosed me with PMS... hahaha... which it very well could be... so I am getting over myself...

BUT... what's with the guys on here thinking this is Match.com??? I mean hey guys... I understand you come here feeling lonely and you find other people on here who may be feeling lonely themself... that's awesome... but when someone clearly states that they are NOT on here for dating and HAS A BOYFRIEND then what the hell??? I'm not rude... you pay me a compliment I will thank you... you hit on me then I will clearly state that I have a boyfriend... but if you keep messaging me following that you may get a great big fuck you... excuse my french... 

When I initially signed up for EP I was looking for support when I was going through my boyfriend and I's last break-up that was pretty bad b/c he had cheated on me... I wanted support and was looking for other peoples outlook on the situation... I stayed on because the people I met initially were very supportive and helpful... I continue on here NOW because I still enjoy the insight and wisdom of others on some issues that I feel are important to me... but also for the fun and banter with those like Quirky, Awakening, Blue and many more... I mean this isn't about finding a soul mate for me... it's about sharing what I have experienced and getting to know those who are somewhat like me or have the same beliefs as me...

So I am asking all of you men out there who have so kindly messaged me with "Hey I think you're pretty" or "interesting" or "You sure are hot"... thank you for the compliments... it fills my soul when others pay me compliments but please... for the love all that is sacred in the world of EP.... READ MY FRICKIN' PROFILE AND SEE THAT I AM NOT HERE FOR DATING!!! 

Mahalo -

Phidget