A better day? | phidget's Blog

Yesterday I was down... as the day went on my mood lifted because of the great people on here that sent words of support but overall I still felt pretty shitty... sometimes I get in these moods that I can't help... SOOOOO, what don't my EP friends know about Phidget??? Well quite a bit actually... so here is one of my confessions...

I don't battle depression... I live with it... there is a difference... I don't fight it... I've been depressed for ummm... probably 12 years... I know it's there and it knows I'm there... we live harmoniously, well not all the time... I take Paxil to control it but that is something that I only recently have started doing (within the last 6 months)... I missed a couple days of my meds because well I have felt really good and I really DO NOT like being on meds to tell you the truth... I also have anxiety... I don't think it's that bad - not as bad as one of my friends or my sisters... I mean my anxiety is strange... I am calm on the outside but on the inside I start to FREAK OUT... I mean my chest feels very heavy and I feel like I'm drowning... my mind races way too fast for me to think clearly... I begin to "create realities" that I know are not true...  people don't know that it's happening b/c I have lived with this for so long untreated that I have learned to control my outside demeanor during bouts of serious anxiety...

So the happy jocular carefree person you see on a normal basis IS me... but some days I'm not that person at all... and its random and I can't stop it...so you will have to excuse me some days...  I'm not crazy... just not stable... hahaha...

Today is much better... my boyfriend and I sat in his truck for 2 hours and just talked and he is probably one of the most loving and supportive men ever... he knows just what to say to remind me that I'm ok... and that I have nothing to worry about... that he will take care of me and the boys and that our life together will be wonderful... he cooked dinner last night too... and bought me a big ol' tub of ice cream to cheer me up... hahaha... that's love...

I'm thankful for him... and all of my friends... on EP and IRL...

**oops forgot to mention that along with my anxiety I have been told  that I may have Paranoid Personality Disorder (which I think is a crock of shit disorder but that's what I was told)...